Friday, September 09, 2011

Comic Mashup Review: DCs New 52 Reboot Review

Comic Mashup has been hearing a ton of rumors about DC Comics New 52 which launches this month.
Apparently, DC has decided to reboot the entire universe and restart all their DC Comics at Issue #1.  Lots of comic book readers are nervous.  Because frankly, this kind of relaunch of a comic book story has never, ever, happened before.  So it is literally unprecedented.  So some fear and apprehension may be called for.  And besides, comic book fans like gnashing their teeth about things they have no control over anyway.
Fear not gentle readers.  Comic Mashup may not have the firmest grasp of the situation, or access to any people inside the industry, or even a mastery of how to find information on this new-fangled interwebs thing, but we have attempted to assemble the best unfounded rumors and combine them with whatever media we had lying around.  Because it makes for the best reporting?  NO, because that's what we do here at Comic Mashup.
So strap in and get ready for the New 52 Comic Mashup Reboot Review.
First off: This plan has apparently been in the works for decades.  DC did some market testing in the 70s under the code name of Atlas.  You can tell it was an early attempt because they were only contemplating 21 new titles then and now it is the New 52, named after the number of cards in a deck.
You can see that Swamp Thing is there as well as Batman and Tonto.
I'm pretty sure they put Cat Woman in a less revealing costume in later versions.  And those blond ears had to go becuase they make you wonder too much about the rug matching the drapes.  If you know what I mean...
And I'm sure we are all glad they did away with the Superman Blue and White Costume.
Oh, and everyone had swords and knives back then, but that was just a 70s thing.  We all had swords and knives in the 70s.  Just ask Evel Knievel, the extra blades strpped to his back were a big part in all those injuries he sustained.
 A lot has been whispered about Superman's new costume.  Most readers will accept blue jeans and boots on a now much younger Kryptonian.  But this going shirtless is just a little to free and easy.  Oh, and he can't fly any more.  He leaps.  But he feels strong!
 The Teen Titans have been a young reader favorite for decades.  But the artwork I have found makes it look like the Half Titans to me.  That's Pants, man.  Huge Pants!  If Nightwing puts those britches on he won't be able to walk, let alone fight crime.  But, not being young anymore, I don't care about the Teen Titans and weather they will make it or not. 
 Black Canary is famous for her famous ear-shattering scream.  Rest assured continuity fans, that the mega scream seems to be intact in this teaser image.  But I thought Raven was a girl in the old DC Universe.  In the New 52 Universe Raven is a guy named Jay who must be Canary's ex, becuase he doesn't want to hear anything she is saying.
 Fans from Quard and Oahu never fear, Green Lanterns are here!  No, really, don't fear.  If you do the ring won't work.  Apparently the Lanterns don't accept Americans as members anymore, so Hal Jordan is apparently retired.  And the Corps takes orders from some dude named Glykos.  But change can be good, as long as the GLs are keeping the peace.
 Aquaman...what can we say about Aquaman.  He is still a dude who swims a lot.  But he apparantly needs more equipment to pull it off now days.  I hope Mera makes an appearance soon, becuase no body fills out a fish-scale swim suit like Mera's body.  Looks like I picked the wrong day to give up making good jokes.
 Flash.  Ahhh, ahh.  He'll save every one of us!  Which Flash will we get in the New 52?  How many Flashes will we get?  Red Flash, Yellow Flash, Flash Dance?  I don't really know.  But apparently he has a new nemesis named Queer Pillar of Darkness.  And QPD is fast as well.  Look at this preview art where QPD is speeding down Market Street!  Save us Flash!  We're diving into Fridgia...
 What about the female super heroes you ask.  They get a few titles where they get to look good while the men save the world.  But I'm sure the girls won't complain about their being out numbered by the men.  Oh, and Supergirl can fly, but Superman can't.  What?  No, wait.... Supergirl's hair flies alluringly in the slightest breeze framing her innocent yet sexy face while her male cousin does all the heavy lifting.  She will be okay with that, surely.  What?  And her new name is Shirley.  Wow, who knew?
 Handicapped comic readers have long rejoiced over the second career of Barbra Gordon, who was once Batgirl but then was paralyzed from the waist down and became Oracle, the brains behind the Birds of Prey.  Well now, Barbara is being saved from that fate and is miraculously getting her legs back.  It's like the whole universe rebooted and the accident never happened.  Weird, right?  So she is going to be Batgirl again.  And she is taking advantage of her new mobility to go dancing.  There may still be something wrong with her legs, because her new costume features bloomers.
 Long time fans of the DC Universe and its flawless continuity and easy to follow history should not fear this New 52 reboot of everything you hold dear.  You will still get to amaze and bore your friends by saying, "Yeah, but in the OLD DC Universe, so-and-so used to have a magic cape and a top hat and he came from Coast City, not Metropolis." 
And fear not those who have invested years and thousands of dollars on the old DC Universe, many things are staying the same.  I'm sure DC would never jeopardise their entire empire by creating some fake cosmic crisis and rewriting history just to try and make a quick buck.  Some things are iconic DC and cannot change.
As evidence, we present proof that the keystone (should that be cornerstone?) upon which the entire DC Universe has been built is still intact: Batman is still a Dick!
All is right with the world, universe...
Yeah, well in the OLD DC Universe everything was built on a cornerstone.  But now everything is built on a keystone.  Except in OMAC, because that Kirby guy was crazy.  But yes, in any version of the universe there is one constant: Batman is a Dick, and bow ties are cool.  Oh, okay two universal constants.  But in the OLD DC Universe there was only one universal constant...
We at Comic Mashup hope you have enjoyed this little preview of the DC New 52.* 
And now a word from our sponsor:
*Note: Comic Mashup and the Thunder Echo Blog swear on the New Gods that everything in this report is absolutely true and verified.**

**New Note: The previous statement was made in the old Comic Mashup Universe, which starting on August 31st, 2011 was replaced by the New, renumbered, innovative Thunder Echo Blog featuring our iconic satire and helmed by an Editor in Chief who is one of the most creative minds in this corner of the Internet.***

***Really New Note:  We hope this new blog will be compelling for existing readers, and give new readers a precise entry point into the bizarre, ever changing universe that is the mind of Jay Larsen,
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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Looks like you picked the right day to do a mash-up.

King Utio